Life too short for cheap toilet paper

WILL RENICK
DM Arts & Life Editor

Welcome to Hump Day. Here at A & L, Wednesday means grocery day. Now, I realize that many of our readers live on campus and gobble down four dollar so-called hamburgers from the Union, but with an ever-growing number of students running in droves from dilapidated dorms and a tyrannical housing director. And living off-campus means GROCERY SHOPPING. The horror.

Living off campus, you don't have any money. Rent, bills, and cigarettes devour your income. As you stalk the aisles, cart in hand, looking for the cheapest things that can sustain life. Inevitably, you will reach the toilet paper aisle. Here, amid the packages of cottony softness, we see the age old drama of Food vs. Comfort.

Before I got my own place, I thought toilet paper just magically appeared under the sink. High school, church, nor my parents prepared me for how much toilet paper costs.

Here is the argument: Food. You need it to live. It tastes good. You can use it as an anti-depressant. It's also expensive. Choices must be made. In the end, economics usually wins over pride, and name brands go the way of the Dodo, and you are left with a pantry full of unmarked plastic bags full of puffed cereals made in a Tiajuana sweatshop.

Toilet paper, on the other hand, is something that you should never EVER skimp on. If it comes to a choice between hot dogs and Charmin, I think the answer is obvious.

Dear readers, life it too short to buy cheap toilet paper. Enjoying life is about taking advantage of simple pleasures, like hugging, and babies, and having soft toilet paper. It's just so nice! Wiping with ply upon ply of angelic toilet paper is like the dawn of a new age of enlightment, of soft and fluffy things. Words cannot describe it, save the thought of cute little fairies tickling your butt. Sheer heaven.

Don't sell yourself short, dear reader. Think long and hard beforebuying the inexpensive burlap-like toilet paper. Pick it up, rub the scratchy single ply between you fingers, and KNOW that you don't deserve this. You can do without the ice cream. Cry comfort!